Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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