You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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