i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
