So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
