grandma shit on top of the toilet
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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