brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
