it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
