I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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