About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
