Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Randomize
