i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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