she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
