so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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