A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Mom said you looked used
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
