There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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