That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
