Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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