Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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