He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
