Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
