I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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