I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
