I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
