just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize