Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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