mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
