There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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