Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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