I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
