I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i already hear my dad disowning me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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