I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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