Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
