Jerry, you need to find god
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
