I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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