I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
