I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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