awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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