wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
