Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
