Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
