Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize