I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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