Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
