If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
