Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
