drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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