Is it normal to miss your booty call?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
