I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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