Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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