just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
