well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Found the puke drawer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize