What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
