Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
