the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Lo siento on account of my penis...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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