My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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