while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
