we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
